AUDITION SCRIPTS
The following scripts may be copied and used free of charge by any group. They can be used for auditions or for teaching purposes. They are not intended to be used for performances. The grade labeling is a suggested age but can be used for any age group.
UP A TREE 4th,5th, 6th
A: Where is everybody else?
B: Up there. (points up)
C: They died?!
D: No, silly. They’re in the tree house.
E: I didn’t know we had a tree house.
A: (looking up) I don’t see anything up there.
B: You can’t see it. It’s covered with leaves.
C: (looking up) It’s like they all disappeared.
D: They didn’t disappear. They’re inside the tree house.
E: No one told me there was a tree house. Are you SURE there’s a tree house?
A: I think you’re teasing us. There’s no tree house, is there?
B: There IS a tree house. You just can’t see it from here.
C: (still looking up) If you can’t see it, how do you KNOW they’re in there?
D: I saw them climb the tree. They’re in there.
E: I don’t hear anything. Maybe they climbed back down.
A: I don’t believe either of you. There’s no tree house.
B: Oh yeah? If they aren’t in the tree house, then where did they go?
C: Maybe they’re hiding.
D: They’re not hiding. You just can’t see them.
E: We could just climb the tree and see for ourselves if they’re up there.
A: Yeah. Let’s climb the tree.
B: Climb it if you want to, but you won’t find them.
C: If they’re in the tree house, then why won’t we find them?
E: I’m going to climb this tree. I’ll let you know if they’re up there.
D: Fine. Climb the tree. But you won’t find them up there.
A, C, E: WHY NOT?!
B,D: The tree’s next door. (point)
TOM SAWYER STRIKES AGAIN 7th
A: Whatcha doing?
B: I’m mixing paint for the new door.
C: What color is it supposed to be?
D: That’s the ugliest color I’ve ever seen. What do you call that color?
E: Are you sure you’re doing it right?
F: Why don’t you let me do it? I’m stronger. I can get a better mix.
A: Yeah. Let him (her) do it.
B: Sure. Here you do it then.
C: I don’t know. It doesn’t look much better.
D: You can’t make that color better. You should start over.
E: Maybe we should try a little on the door.
F: Okay. (paints) How does that look?
A: I’m still not sure.
B: Maybe if you painted a larger area it would look better.
C: He’s (she’s) right. Paint the rest of the door.
D: I don’t think in this case bigger is better.
E: I don’t know. Now that I look at the whole thing, it’s not that bad.
F: I think it’s okay. Sort of.
A: It’s a very light color. You can barely see it.
B: That’s because you’re painting over white paint. Try the other side, That side’s blue.
C: She (he) may be right. Try it on the blue side.
D: It’s going to be just as ugly on blue as it is on white.
E: No, see it looks better on top of the blue.
F: I’ll do the whole side so you get the full affect.
A: You’re right. It does look better on the blue side.
B: Probably if you put a second coat on the white side, it would also look better.
C: Yeah. Put a second coat on the white side
D: If it’s ugly, being a darker shade of ugly won’t help.
E: See there- the second coat is looking lots better. But it doesn’t match the other side of the door.
F: I’ll put a second coat on the blue side and see what that looks like.
A: You might as well see if that helps.
B: It’s working. They’re beginning to match.
C: Now that I see it on both sides, it’s not that bad.
D: If you don’t mind an ugly color, the door looks great.
E: I think it looks fine now that it’s all finished.
F: You’re right. (to B) Here, you can clean the brushes.
B: I’m not cleaning the brushes. My job was to paint the door. The director said it’s YOUR job to clean up. Got to go, see ya later!
Oh, Bloot! 9th 10th
A: Stop that, you Blooter!
B: What did you call me?!
C: I never heard of anyone calling anyone a Blooter.
D: I’ve heard it. Shame on you! Watch your language!
E: What does it mean?
A: If you don’t know, I can’t tell you. It wouldn’t be nice.
B: I think you’re already past nice by just calling me a name.
C: I have a dictionary app on my iphone. There’s no such word.
D: You’re going to trust your iphone dictionary? They don’t list words like that.
E: It’s that bad? I hate to think what it must mean.
A: Okay. I apologize. I shouldn’t have said it. At least not out loud.
B: But it’s okay to think that about me?
C: Wouldn’t that depend on whether a Blooter is a bad thing or not?
D: Oh, it’s bad. I’m not going to say what it means. But it’s bad.
E: Maybe I don’t want to know what it means. I might be tempted to call my younger brother that. If it’s bad, he’s definitely a Blooter.
A: There are lots of words it’s okay to think but not okay to say out loud.
B: If you’re thinking it, you might as well say it. Don’t hold back on my account.
C: I did an internet search. There’s no such word.
D: Oh, there is. Sometimes it takes a while for it to show up on the search terms, but trust me, if it’s not there yet, it will be.
E: Come to think of it, I know lots of Blooters. Like that kid in Geometry class.
A: That kid’s annoying, but he’s not a Blooter. He’s not THAT bad.
B: But I am?!
C: I’m going to submit it to Wikepedia. What does it mean?
D: You don’t expect us to actually SAY it, do you?
E: No, don’t! Someone might hear us.
A: I promise not to say it again. I don’t want to get in trouble.
B: You already ARE in trouble. With me!
C: I think we should find a substitute word. One that means sort of the same but is okay to say. Like “shoot”!
D: There’s no substitute for Blooter. Better just not to say anything.
E: Shh! Someone’s coming! Everybody stop saying….what you just said.
THE JOYS OF HOME GARDENING 6th
A: I think we should have pumpkins in our garden.
B: Are you kidding? This garden would only hold one pumpkin. There wouldn’t be room for anything else.
C: Keep weeding! So far there’s nothing but weeds in this garden.
D: I think we should have broccoli. Broccoli’s very healthy.
E: I hate broccoli. I’m not going to work on a garden for three months and get nothing but broccoli!
A: Just think about how nice it would be to have our very own pumpkin for Halloween. And then we could make it into pumpkin pie for Thanksgiving.
B: You either carve a pumpkin or you cook it. You can’t do both.
C: I’m not doing all this weeding myself. Start weeding! All of you!
D: Maybe we should grow cauliflower.
E: Cauliflower’s just like broccoli. Only white instead of green. I hate both!
A: If it’s a choice of carving the pumpkin or eating it, then I think we should make pie. So, pumpkin pie it is.
B: So we work for 4 months and then we get to eat pumpkin pie? I don’t know if it’s worth it.
C: If we don’t weed the garden first, we can’t grow anything. Get to work.
D: I know! We should grow eggplant!
E: Eggplant?! That’s worse than broccoli!
A: My Aunt Jennifer has a great recipe for pumpkin pie. She won an award for it.
B: Great. Tell Aunt Jennifer to come work in the garden.
C: I don’t see anybody but ME working in the garden. Everybody- start weeding!
D: How about turnips? Everyone loves stewed turnips.
E: Stewed turnips?! Doesn’t anyone eat anything GOOD at your house?!
A: If we’re not going to grow a pumpkin, then I quit!
B: If we ARE going to grow a pumpkin, I quit!
D: If no one likes any of my ideas, I quit!
E: If you aren’t going to grow anything I want to eat, I quit!
C: How can anybody quit? You never started! Everybody! Start weeding!
A,B,D,E: (groan)
WRITER’S BLOCK 8th 9th
A: Why do you look so depressed?
B: I have to write a story for English class.
C: Oh. You should write a story about World War II. I was just reading about it. It was awful.
D: Not as awful as Vietnam. You should write about that.
E: No, you should write about something happy. Maybe about puppies.
F: Our dog just had puppies but one of them died.
A: Writing stories isn’t that hard. We’ll all help you.
B: I don’t think you can help me with this story.
C: Your main character should be captured by Germans and put into a prison where they feed him only bread and water.
D: In Vietnam they didn’t even take prisoners. They just tortured them and left them to die.
E: Or you could write about two puppies who get adopted by a nice family.
F: A family with two evil Siamese cats.
E: I think that’s Lady and the Tramp.
A: I had to write a story last year for English. It was lots of fun.
B: Some stories could be fun, I guess. But not the story I have to write.
C: Every story about World War II is fun. It’s really not a good story unless someone dies or gets put in prison.
D: Or tortured. In Vietnam, there was torture.
E: The puppies in my story have lots of fun. They get a big red ball for Christmas.
F: But the evil Siamese cats steal the ball and puke up a hair ball and give the puppies that instead.
A: Sometimes you have to dig deep inside yourself to find the story that only YOU can write.
B: I know I’m the only one who can write the story. Otherwise it’s plagiarism.
C: It’s not plagiarism if we just give you some ideas about what World War II was like.
D: Or Vietnam. Which was a more interesting war. And much bloodier.
E: It’s okay if you just “borrow” my puppy story.
F: No one will think of Lady and the Tramp just because there are two Siamese cats in the story.
A: Aren’t you getting any good ideas from all our suggestions?
B: No.
C: Well, I thought my World War II idea was great. If you’re not going to use it, then I’ll use it myself.
D: You really don’t want to write about Vietnam? That was an excellent war. Lots of pain and human tragedy.
E: Maybe I’ll write my puppy story for extra credit in English class.
F: I think I’ll go home and watch Lady and the Tramp. That’s a great movie.
B: My story has to about what I did over summer vacation.
A: So, what did you do?
B: I went to summer school.
C: Oh, that IS gruesome.
D: I’d rather go to Vietnam.
E: I’d rather spend the summer scraping up puppy poop.
F: Or hairballs.
TAKE-OUT TERRORS 7th 8th
A: Hi. I’d like to order three cheeseburgers and two chicken fingers, two strawberry shakes, one chocolate shake and two cokes.
B: Do you want fries with that?
C: I don’t want a cheeseburger. I’m lactose intolerant.
D: Make my coke a root beer.
E: I don’t like the strawberry shakes here. I want an ice tea instead.
A: Okay. I guess we’ll have two cheeseburgers, one hamburger, two chicken fingers, a strawberry shake, one chocolate shake, a root beer, and an ice tea.
B: What about the fries?
C: You forgot my coke. There were supposed to be two cokes.
D: I’m going to need honey mustard with my chicken fingers. If they don’t have honey mustard, I’ll have a chicken sandwich instead.
E: I think you’re right about the strawberry shake. I’ll have Diet Sprite.
A: Um- I think that makes two cheeseburgers, one hamburger, two chicken fingers, unless you don’t have honey mustard, in which case, one chicken sandwich instead, a chocolate shake, a coke, a root beer, an ice tea and a Diet Sprite.
B: Still undecided about the fries?
C: I’d like fries. But make sure my coke is a diet coke. The food here is fattening enough already.
D: Did they have honey mustard? If they don’t, I guess I’ll just have a salad with Italian dressing.
E: I’ll have fries with my cheeseburger, and could I have a icecream sandwich, too?
A: Let’s see- we’ll have two cheeseburgers, a hamburger, chicken fingers, a salad with Italian dressing, unless you have honey mustard, two fries, a chocolate shake, a coke, a diet coke, an ice tea, root beer and a diet sprite.
B: The kitchen says we have honey mustard sauce, but we’re out of diet sprite.
C: I changed my mind. No fries for me. I’ve been putting on a few pounds.
D: Since they have the honey mustard sauce, I’ll have the chicken fingers, but forget the diet coke. I’ll just have a strawberry shake.
E: You forgot my ice cream sandwich. And I’ll have a diet coke if they don’t have Sprite.
A: So that’s two cheeseburgers, a hamburger, two chicken fingers with honey mustard sauce, one fries, a strawberry shake, a chocolate shake, a coke, a diet coke, ice tea, and an ice cream sandwich.
C: Oh, I guess I’ll have the fries anyway. What’s another couple of pounds.
D: Do they make vanilla shakes? That would be better than strawberry.
E: Maybe I should have onion rings instead of fries. Do they make onion rings here?
A: Do you make onion rings?
B: I quit.
C: You can’t quit. Who will take our order?
D: We could just go inside.
E: We can’t go inside. We don’t have shoes on. I think I saw a Wendy’s down the street.
A: Okay. Let’s go. Maybe they’ll have a better server there.
8th Grade and Older
I HAD A DREAM
(B should be a boy)
A: This traffic is terrible and I was up all night- You won’t believe the dream I had.
B: It couldn’t have been any stranger than my dream.
C: I have those re-occurring dreams, you know- the same dream every night.
D: Nobody’s dreams are weirder than mine.
E: My psychiatrist says he wants to write a paper for the psychiatric journal about my dreams.
F: You guys may THINK you have weird dreams, but I can guarantee you- nothing even remotely compares with MY dream.
A: Oh yeah? I dreamed a giant cockroach landed in our backyard and began to eat our house- and I was still IN the house- and afraid to go out!
B: That’s pretty weird, but I dreamed I went on a date with Paris Hilton but when we kissed good-night, all her teeth fell out.
C: Ugh. I always have the same dream- I’m being chased by a huge saxophone and my sneakers fall off and are swallowed up by the saxophone.
D: Yeah, well last night I dreamed that the doctor was examining me and found a growth on my back that looked exactly like Adam Sandler.
E: You should tell my psychiatrist about that dream. There might be another paper in it for him.
F: Those are pretty weird dreams, but NOTHING compared to MY dream.
A: What could you possibly dream about that would be worse than being eaten by a giant cockroach?
B: Yeah, or kissed by a toothless Paris Hilton?
C: Or chased by a sneaker eating saxophone?
D: Or having Adam Sandler growing out of your back?
E: My psychiatrist says people dream about the thing they fear most.
F: I think I might like to meet your psychiatrist. Maybe he could help me.
A: Your dream is so bad you want to talk to HIS psychiatrist?
B: That must be a pretty bad dream.
C: The saxophone dream wasn’t really that scary- but he did swallow my best pair of sneakers.
D: Having Adam Sandler living on your back actually was pretty scary.
E: So what is it you dreamed about that was so terrifying?
F: I dreamed I got stuck in traffic with you guys and all you had to talk about was your lousy dreams.
6th GRADE
TWO TO TANGO
A: I’ve started taking ballroom dancing lessons and I LOVE it!
B: Ballroom dancing? That’s kind of nerdy don’t you think?
C: Nah- what about all those big football players on “Dancing With the Stars”? They aren’t nerds.
D: Girls like guys who can dance.
E: I know how to do the “worm”.
F: I don’t think the “worm” falls into the category of dances girls like to see guys do.
A: Last week we learned how to do the tango.
B: Ooo. That’s cool. What does your partner look like?
C: [to B] I know how to do the tango. I could teach you.
D: Where did YOU learn to do the tango? From your mother?
E: I saw them doing the tango on TV- it wasn’t that different from the “worm”.
F: The tango doesn’t look like the “worm”.
A: Well, it might- if someone fell during a ‘dip’.
B: Yeah, if they fell and then had trouble getting up- that might look like the “worm”.
C: I can do the “worm” AND the tango. They’re nothing alike.
D: Did your mother also teach you the “worm” ?
E: [to C] Why don’t we BOTH do the “worm” together? That would look cool.
F: That would look like two caterpillars racing to get away from a hungry bird.
A: It’s almost time for me to go to my ballroom dancing class. Anyone want to go with me?
B: Sure, I’ll go. If the teacher’s hot. Is the teacher hot?
C: I could teach you if you don’t want to pay for lessons. Or if the teacher isn’t hot.
D: Nobody wants dance lessons from you OR your mother!
E: I say we all go to the dance class and on the way I’ll show everyone how to do the “worm”.
F: Fine. But if we all get arrested for “PDA”, don’t blame me.
A: PDA? You mean Public Displays of Affection?
F: No, I mean Public Displays of ANNOYING!
7th GRADE
LIFE AFTER DEATH
A: You won’t believe this- I think I saw a ghost.
B: You’re right. I don’t believe it.
C: I sometimes see the ghost of my Great Aunt Daisy.
D: I think it’s POSSIBLE that there could be ghosts.
E: You thought it was possible the French teacher was an undercover terrorist.
F: One of my best friends is a ghost. He wasn’t originally a ghost- originally he was just my best friend.
A: This ghost was VERY spooky. I think he had a message for me.
B: Right. He probably wanted to give you the name of a good psychiatrist.
C: Aunt Daisy is a friendly ghost. She sometimes leaves candy wrappers by my bed.
D: Candy wrappers? I wander what the hidden message is in that?
E: Don’t eat candy in the middle of the night while you’re half asleep?
F: I don’t know for CERTAIN that my best friend is dead, but I think he must be because his ghost keeps dropping by.
A: Ghosts aren’t always friendly. My ghost wakes me up and makes lots of noise and knocks over the furniture.
B: Either that or it’s your sister trying to find her way to the bathroom without turning on the lights.
C: Aunt Daisy never knocks things over. In fact sometimes she tidies up the room before leaving.
D: Wish I had a ghost like that. I hate cleaning my room.
E: Has your mom gained any weight recently? Just asking.
F: My best friend’s ghost is friendly, too. He sometimes calls out my name as he bicycles past my house.
A: I’m going to sit up all night tonight and see if my ghost appears again.
B: Or you could just leave a night light on and your sister will stop knocking over the furniture.
C: Just because you guys don’t believe in ghosts doesn’t mean Aunt Daisy doesn’t visit my room sometimes.
D: Next time you see her would you ask her to come visit my room? It really needs cleaning.
E: You’re all crazy. There’s no such thing as ghosts.
F: Except for my best friend’s ghost. Assuming he’s dead. He’s probably dead. Otherwise, why would he keep driving by my house on a bicycle?
5th GRADE
YOU TAKE THE CAKE
A: All right. Who stole the last piece of cake?
B: It wasn’t me. I swear.
C: [to B] You have crumbs on the front of your shirt.
D: That doesn’t mean he’s (she’s) guilty. Everyone is innocent until proven guilty.
E: Maybe he (she) ate some cake yesterday and is wearing the same shirt two days in a row.
F: People shouldn’t wear the same shirt two days in a row.
A: I know it was one of you. No one else has been in here since yesterday.
B: The window is unlocked. Someone could have come in the window, stolen the cake and then crawled back out the window.
C: [to B] Isn’t that icing on your chin? It’s the same kind of icing that was on the cake.
D: It could be from a chocolate bar. It might not be icing at all.
E: Maybe it’s from the cake he (she) ate yesterday and he (she) just didn’t wash her (his) face last night.
F: Didn’t wash her (his) face! That’s unsanitary!
A: I think you should just confess. And buy me another cake.
B: Confess? But you don’t know for sure that I’m guilty!
C: [to B] There’s an empty plate with chocolate icing on it sitting at your desk.
D: He (she) could have just set his chocolate bar down on the plate to keep it from getting on his (her) papers.
E: Or the plate could be from last week and he (she) just hasn’t washed it yet.
F: Unlaundered shirts, dirty face, unwashed dishes- you’re a slob!
A: All I want is my cake. I was saving that piece for my dessert.
B: I wish I could give you your cake, but I don’t have it.
C: [to B] Obviously you don’t have it- you ATE it!
D: Don’t you watch CSI? If you don’t have the BODY, you can’t prove someone’s guilty.
E: And just because the body is DIRTY doesn’t prove it either.
F: Oh, I think there’s plenty of proof- he’s (she’s) FILTHY! I’m going to go eat my dessert in the hall. You stink.
4th GRADE
MAY I TAKE YOUR ORDER?
A: Let me see… I think I’ll have….no…let’s see..
B: Are you going to take all day to decide what you want?
C: I want a hamburger and French fries.
D: Wait your turn. We all agreed. We’re ordering left to right.
E: I think I’m going to pass out. I haven’t eaten since yesterday.
F: I’m really not that hungry. I don’t mind waiting.
A: Last time I was here I had the fish. So this time, I think I’ll have… let’s see…
B: Why don’t I just go first?
C: Or I could go first since I know what I want- hamburger and french fries.
D: No! We’re going to order from left to right. Otherwise our orders will get all confused. Like last time.
E: Could I just get a glass of water? I’m feeling light headed.
F: I’ll go get you some water. I’m not that hungry any way.
A: I’ve got it! I know what I want. No. That has nuts in it. I’m allergic to nuts. Let’s see…
B: That’s it! You don’t get to go first. Let’s start right to left instead.
C: That leaves me still in the middle. But that’s okay since I know what I want- hot dog and chips.
D: You said you wanted a hamburger! See now- it’s already getting messed up.
E: Has anybody brought my water yet?
F: I can’t leave now. I’m first, since now we’re going right to left.
A: What? I’m last now?! I just figured out what I want!
B: Too bad. You’re last. I’ll have the fish sticks and cole slaw.
C: But I’m before you. Aren’t I?
D: Would somebody just order! This is ridiculous.
E: Could someone call a doctor? I don’t feel well.
F: I’ll call the doctor. I’ll be right back.
A: So I guess we should wait till he gets back since he’s first, huh.
[all groan]
4th GRADE
BROKEN WINDOW
A: Someone broke the window.
B: It wasn’t me!
C: Do you think anyone knows about it?
D: I bet I know who did it.
E: YOU don’t know who did it!
F: He might know. He might have SEEN someone break the window.
A: What a mess- there’s glass everywhere.
B: I don’t know who you THOUGHT you saw, but it wasn’t me.
C: We should tell someone about it.
D: You’re such a tattle tale.
E: He (she) doesn’t know who did it. He’s just trying to get us to admit to breaking the window.
F: But if he DOES know, it would be better to admit it, than to have someone tell on you.
A: Is someone going to help me clean this mess up?
B: If we didn’t break the window, why should we have to clean it up?
C: If we clean it up, maybe no one will ever know.
D: They’ll find out. They ALWAYS find out.
E: I’M not gonna tell.
F: Yeah, right. You’d be the first to tell on us.
A: Let’s just clean up this mess and go home!
B: I was never here- I was just passing by.
C: I think we should all help clean it up, no matter who did it.
D: There’s a big hole in the window- they’re gonna find out even if we clean it up!
E: I think we should all run away and not tell anyone.
F: I can’t stand the pressure- I did it. I broke the window.
A: Great. Then here, YOU clean it up!
AUDITION HINTS: Talk very Loudly
Use a lot of expression in your voice
Sing loudly, but try to sing the melody correctly too
PLAYING POST OFFICE Eighth Grade and Older
A: I’d like to mail a letter, but I forgot to bring it. How much postage would it take to mail, say, a package of cigarettes?
B (mailman): I don’t know. I don’t smoke.
C: Smoking is bad for you. It causes cancer.
D: (coughs and has difficulty breathing) I’ve been smoking for fifty years and I don’t have cancer.
E: (has heavy package) Hey, this line is taking too long. Could you hurry it up?
A: I’m not going to mail a package of cigarettes. I want to mail something that weighs about the same as a package of cigarettes.
B: Well, do you HAVE a package of cigarettes so I could weigh it?
C: I think they should ban cigarettes altogether. We should protect future generations.
D: I started smoking in grade school. I used to smoke behind the boiler room with my buddy Al. Wonder how old Al’s doing these days?
E: Could someone just hand them a package of cigarettes so we can all get out of here?
A: I don’t HAVE a package of cigarettes. I’m just saying the package weighs about the same.
B: How much do you think a package of cigarettes weighs?
C: This post office is clearly a no smoking area. There should be a sign.
D: Al wouldn’t have cared if there was a sign or not. He was a rebel.
E: I REALLY need to get this package mailed and get out of here. Doesn’t anybody have a package of cigarettes?
A: I’ve never smoked in my life. Well, maybe once in college. But that doesn’t count. Does it?
B: Anybody have a pack of cigarettes?
C: People should be arrested for smoking in prohibited areas.
D: I have a pack of cigarettes, but there’s only one left. Al always carried a spare package. I sure miss old Al.
E: Is there anything ELSE that weighs the same as your package?
A: Well…a deck of cards?
B: Anybody got a deck of cards?
C: And now they’ve made gambling legal, too. What next?
D: I’ve been playing poker since grade school. Al and I used to play behind the boiler room while we were having a smoke.
E: I give up. I’m going down to the FedEx.
A: Do you think they’d have a deck of cards at the FedEx?
B: Good luck.
C: Smoking, gambling, what’s next?
E: Would someone just hold the door for me please?
D: Say hello to Al for me. I heard he got a job down there at the FedEx.
AUDITION LYRICS:
My country ‘tis of thee Sweet land of liberty of thee I sing
Land where my fathers died Land of the Pilgrim’s pride
From ev’ry mountain side Let freedom ring.
YOU BUG ME 4th
A: Look! It’s a lady bug!
B: That’s not a lady bug. It’s a tiny wasp of some sort.
C: It’s a bee. Bees are harmless.
D: Oh, no! I’m allergic to bees!
E: It’s not a bee, it’s just some kind of beetle.
F: My mom loves the Beatles.
A: That’s a lady bug. I learned about them in science class.
B: Well your lady bug just stung me!
C: Don’t be silly. Lady bugs don’t sting.
D: Shouldn’t someone call an ambulance?
E: Why are you making such a fuss? It’s just a bug.
F: My mom used to own a bug. She said it ate gas.
A: Bugs don’t eat gas. They eat plants.
B: Well this bug just ate ME!!
C: It’s just your imagination. Bees only sting when threatened.
D: Why did you threaten a BEE? That’s crazy!
E: It’s not a bee, it’s a beetle and beetles don’t sting at all.
F: Beatles actually sing very well. Except that most of them are dead now.
A: I think he said “sting”, not “sing”.
B: Your “beetle” just left a big bump on my arm and it hurts!
C: You probably just have eczema. I have it and my arms itch all the time.
D: Is eczema contagious? I think I’m starting to itch!
E: All this over a harmless little beetle.
F: Mom likes Ringo best.
ALL except F: Ringo?
-Facial and verbal expression
-Gestures and body movements
-Projection
-Look at one another while speaking/ “cheating out”
5TH GRADE
WE ALL SCREAM FOR ICE CREAM
A: Where did you get that ice cream cone?
B: (licking cone) From the ice cream truck.
C: I didn’t see an ice cream truck. Where is it?
D: I think that’s it right over there.
E: That’s a UPS truck, silly. It’s brown.
F: No, I’m pretty sure that’s the milkman’s truck.
A: Maybe the ice cream truck is already gone.
B: I don’t think so.
C: I wonder if they have raspberry ice cream.
D: I want chocolate fudge. Did they have chocolate fudge flavor?
E: Ice cream trucks are never brown, they’re always white.
F: Milkmen sometimes deliver ice cream.
A: There’s a white truck over there.
B: You guys better hurry or he’ll be gone.
C: I can’t decide now- raspberry or walnut pecan.
D: Walnut pecan would be my second choice, but I prefer chocolate fudge.
E: I think that white truck is a mail truck. There’s a flag on it.
F: We used to order ice cream, but it always melted by the time it got here.
A: So what color IS the truck? I don’t see it.
B: It’s…lots of different colors.
C: I’m getting really hungry now. I don’t care WHAT flavors they have.
D: What kind of ice cream truck wouldn’t have chocolate fudge?
E: I was wrong. It isn’t a flag. But it is red, white, and blue.
F: In that case, it’s not the milk man. His truck is green.
A: That’s not red, white, and blue. That’s strawberry, vanilla, and chocolate.
B: I told you it was an ice cream truck.
C: If they have strawberry, they probably have raspberry.
D: And if they have chocolate, I’d bet they have chocolate fudge.
E: Yeah. That’s definitely an ice cream truck.
F: Too bad it just left.
ALL: (disappointed) Aw…
SIXTH GRADE
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU
A: (to B) You stole it, didn’t you!!
B: Who? Me? No way!
C: Why are you accusing him (her)? It could have been any of us!
D: Somebody stole something? That’s terrible.
E: I’m not a thief! I’ve never stolen anything in my whole life!
A: Well, it’s gone and you guys were the only ones here.
B: I wasn’t here. Really. I wasn’t.
C: None of us were here when it disappeared.
D: Why do people steal? Don’t they have a conscience?
E: Not everyone is a thief. I know I’M not!
A: Nobody else could have come in here except the five of us. And it’s gone.
B: I have a great alibi. I was…um… let’s see…
C: Maybe someone came in DISGUISED as one of us.
D: Thou shalt not steal. It’s the first commandment. No, it’s the second…or maybe it’s the third….or fourth.
E: Okay. I admit it. (everyone turns to E) In third grade I stole a piece of gum from my best friend. I’ve never forgiven myself for it.
A: Whoever did it, just admit it and give it back right now!
B: I can’t take the pressure. I may have to confess. (everyone looks at B) I didn’t do it, I just can’t take the pressure.
C: Maybe one of us was HYPNOTIZED and did it, but doesn’t remember doing it.
D: Whoever did it knows perfectly well they’re guilty and God will punish them. Maybe not in this lifetime.
E: I used to steal paperclips from the principal’s office. But that’s it, nothing else. I swear.
A: I’m getting really mad! One of you is a thief! And a liar!
B: (very upset) It’s me! I lied! I said you looked good in that outfit yesterday and you looked absolutely terrible in it!
C: Maybe one of is working undercover for some secret agency.
E: I’ve been stealing my whole life and I’m just now coming to grips with it.
D: I have to go see the priest. (to A) Oh…and I’ll bring back your dollar…plus interest.
AUDITION HINTS:
-Speak LOUDLY!
-Sing LOUDLY (but on key!)
-Use lots of facial expression and gestures
6th GRADE
Yoo-who?
A is Alex, B is Bobby, C is Chris, D is Danny, E is Sam
Alex: (on phone) Hi, is Linda there?
Bobby: No, but you can talk to Chris I think he(she) knows where Linda is.
Chris: (takes phone) Hi, I don’t know where Linda is, but I think she wanted you to talk to Danny.
Danny: (takes phone) Hi. I don’t know why Linda wanted me to talk to you, but she did say it was important.
Sam: (takes phone) Hi. This is Sam. I know what Linda wanted you to talk to Danny about, and believe me it was really important. (hands phone to B, etc)
Alex: I just wanted to talk to Linda.
Bobby: Linda isn’t here. But Chris wants to talk to you again.
Chris: It’s very important that you talk to Danny. Linda said so herself.
Danny: If it’s so important for me to talk to you, why didn’t Linda tell me WHY I should talk to you.
Sam: Hi. This is Sam again. Just give Danny a chance to talk to you. Linda knows about this kind of thing.
Alex: Couldn’t somebody just tell me why Linda wants me to talk to Danny?
Bobby: I’d tell you if I knew. I didn’t even know she wanted you to talk to Danny.
Chris: I’d trust Linda if I were you. Just talk to Danny.
Danny: Hi. I guess we need to talk…..I’m still not sure about what.
Sam: Hi. This is Sam again. I think deep down you KNOW what you need to talk to Danny about.
Alex: Trust me, I don’t have a CLUE what I’m supposed to talk to Danny about.
Bobby: I don’t know either. You’d have to ask Linda.
Chris: Wait- now I remember. Linda wanted you to talk to ROGER about it,
not Danny. Sorry.
Danny: It was nice talking to you anyway. Maybe we can talk again some time.
Sam: Hi. This is Sam again. When you talk to Roger say hello from Linda.
A SINKING FEELING 7th
A: I think this boat is sinking.
B: This is a brand new boat. It is NOT sinking.
C: There is actually quite a bit of water INSIDE the boat.
D: Shouldn’t all the water be OUTSIDE the boat?
E: I’m terrified of drowning at sea. I can’t swim.
F: Has anyone seen my sun block?
A: Yeah, I’m pretty sure this boat is sinking.
B: I paid $20,000 for this boat. It is not sinking.
C: So if it has a leak, what do we do? Stuff MONEY in it?
D: It’s up to my ankles. I’m pretty sure there shouldn’t be this much water in the boat.
F: If I don’t find my sun block, I’m definitely gonna get a sunburn.
E: Help! Help!
A: Will you shut up? No one can hear you. We’re twenty miles from shore.
B: The guy I bought the boat from would have told me if it had a leak. It can’t be sinking.
C: (sarcastic) Right. And he wouldn’t lie just because you were giving him $20,000.
D: Shouldn’t we be bailing out the water somehow?
E: My astrologist said I would die at sea. She didn’t say when. I didn’t think it would be this soon.
F: If I’m going to die anyway, I’d rather die WITHOUT a sunburn.
A: We should call the coast guard.
B: I didn’t buy the radio for the boat. It was an extra $1,000.
C: No radio!! You bought a leaky boat with no radio for $20,000!!
D: Would somebody help me bail this water out?!
E: Do you think there are sharks out there?
F: At least sharks don’t have to worry about skin cancer.
A: Everybody put on a life jacket. We’ll at least last for a few hours in the water. As long as there aren’t any sharks.
B: I could call the coast guard on my cell phone.
C: Do you SEE any cell phone towers, you idiot?!
D: We would sink more SLOWLY if you guys would help me bail the water out!
E: Being eaten by a shark is a horrible way to die. Someone kill me now.
F: Oh, look! There’s my sun block! Thank God!
A: I’m putting on my life jacket. If I have to, I’ll fight off the sharks with this bottle of Mountain Dew.
B: It was my life savings, and now I have nothing left- my boat, my friends, my very life.
C: Even if we get rescued I wouldn’t count on still having friends.
E: Before I die, I want you to all know- it was me who put the laxative in the cake at your birthday party.
F: WHAT?! I was in the john for THREE DAYS!
D: I think I’ve found the leak. (Everyone is excited) It’s just a leak in ice chest. Someone forgot to put the plug in the bottom. (Reactions)
SOMETHING’s ROTTEN
A: Oooo. The peaches look wonderful.
B: I bought some the other day and they were all rotten.
C: I work here and I can tell you for a fact- these peaches are NOT rotten.
D: You could try the apples. The apples definitely aren’t rotten.
E: But are they sprayed? Insecticides can kill you, you know.
F: Ralph? Ralph? Where are you?
A: I really wanted peaches. I was going to make a peach pie.
B: Not with these peaches. I’m telling you - they’re all rotten.
C: Nothing in our store is rotten. We don’t sell rotten food.
D: You could make an apple pie. I made one just the other day and it was great.
E: I hope you peeled the apples before you made the pie. Otherwise, you made INSECTICIDE pie.
F: Ralph? You know I hate it when you hide from me. Where are you?
A: If my pie doesn’t turn out well, will the store refund my money?
B: It won’t turn out well. Not with rotten peaches.
C: We don’t refund your money just because you don’t know how to make a good pie.
D: You could just make an apple pie and then you wouldn’t have to worry about them refunding your money.
E: Do you think they sprayed the strawberries? You can’t peel strawberries.
F: Ralph, if you don’t come out right now, I’m leaving you here.
A: Maybe I’ll just make a cake instead. My cakes are always good.
B: Any kind of cake is better than a rotten peach pie.
C: Just remember- if your cake comes out flat- no refund.
D: Why are those peaches MOVING??
E: Eeek!! It’s a...it’s a... it’s a RAT!!
F: Ralph!! THERE you are! Hey lady, stop screaming. You’re scaring my pet rat!
CHOOSING UP SIDES
A: First we need two captains, then we can choose up sides.
B: I should be one of the captains.
C: No way. If you’re captain, you’ll just choose all your friends.
D: No one ever chooses me.
E: Why do we have to have captains?
F: You can’t have a team without CAPTAINS!
A: I’ll be one of the captains and you (C) can be the other.
B: (outraged) I should be the captain. I’m ALWAYS the captain.
C: If you’re the captain, then I’m not playing.
D: I don’t know why no one ever chooses me, they just don’t.
E: Look- there’s six of us. Let’s just have three per team. No captains.
F: Every team HAS to have a captain, silly.
A: We’ve only got a half hour to play this game. Let’s get started.
B: Fine. But I’m the captain of the other team.
C: No one’s going to want to be on your team.
D: It really doesn’t matter who’s captain. I’ll be chosen last. Or not at all.
E: Forget the whole captain thing. Let’s just PLAY!
F: We could all be on the same team. Then we wouldn’t need captains.
A: If we were all on the same team who would we play against?
B: Right. So I’ll be captain of the other team.
C: No fair! I’M the other captain!
D: It’s probably because I’m not a very good player. Or maybe no one really likes me.
E: Are we going to play or not?!
F: Let’s just choose up- go ahead. Choose sides.
A: I choose.... you (D).
D: (surprised) No one ever chooses me. You sure you want me? I’m not very good.
B: I choose....you (C).
C: (happy) I always get chosen first......when I’m not the captain.
E: Great. Then I’ll be on your (A) team and you (F) be on the other team.
F: Too late. We have to go. There’s not enough time to play.
(Everyone is disappointed)
HANG UPS
A: Where do you want me to hang this picture?
B: Hmmm. I’m not sure.
C: I think you ought to hang it right over here.
D: No, no, no- it needs to be on THIS wall.
E: I hate modern art.
F: It’s not modern art. He’s (she’s) holding it upside down.
G: It’s just a dumb picture- hang it anywhere.
A: This thing is heavy. Could you just tell me where you want me to hang it?
B: I’m not sure this is the right room for it. Maybe upstairs...
C: What’s wrong with right over here? It would look great right here!
D: It would look terrible over there. THIS is where you should hang it.
E: You can’t even tell what it is- I think that would have to be modern art.
F: Try looking at it upside down. It’s a painting of three birds. I think.
G: We should have just bought that poster of Elvis. At least we’d know which way is up.
A: I can’t hold this thing much longer! WHERE do you want it?
B: It’s too big to hang upstairs. It’ll have to be in this room. But where?
C: This room is perfect for it, and the lighting is best right here on this wall.
D: Sunlight is bad for paintings. Everybody knows that. It has to go over here.
E: You’re right, it does look better upside down.
F: Well, now I’m not sure. Maybe it’s not three birds. Maybe it’s three trees.
G: We could just paint the wall with pink and purple stripes. It wouldn’t look much different than this painting.
A: How about if I just set it down and lean it against the wall?
B: No, no. I think I’ve decided where to hang it.
C: Finally! You’re going to hang it on this wall, right?
D: Nobody would be that silly. It has to hang over HERE.
E: I’m beginning to really like this painting.
F: Now that I’ve looked at it upside down- I think it’s not upside down.
G: I have an idea- let’s hang it in front of the window, preferably pointing outwards.
A: I’m putting this thing down. You can hang it yourselves!
B: You can’t leave! WE don’t know how to hang a painting!
C: Give it to me. I’LL hang it!
D: Yeah, you’ll hang it on the wrong wall.
E: This is actually a really great painting. Even if it IS modern art.
F: It’s not modern art. If it were modern art, I’d KNOW if it was upside down.
G: All right. I confess. I painted the picture as a joke. Hang it up if you want to. Just try not to get any crayon on your clothes.
-Facial and verbal expression
-Gestures and body movements
-Projection -
-Look at one another while speaking/ “cheating out
IT TAKES A THIEF
A: Would you please stop stealing my comb. I can never comb my hair in the morning because YOU always steal my comb and carry it into another room.
B: I didn’t steal your comb! Why do you think it’s me? It could have been HER (HIM) [Points to C)
C: Why would I need to use someone else’s comb? I don’t even use a comb. When I wake up my hair just falls into place naturally.
D: You sure it’s not all that GOO you put on your hair? I’d be surprised if it EVER moves.
E: (talking to D)You’re one to talk! Your hair is so short it’s AFRAID to move for fear you’ll cut it off!
A: So who DID steal my comb then? Every morning I have to look all over the house for it.
B: Maybe YOU are the one who leaves it laying around.
C: Yeah. You HAVE been really forgetful recently.
D: I’ve never seen anyone else using your comb.
E: Ha! You wouldn’t even notice if one of us dyed their hair purple.
A: I did NOT misplace my comb! (to B) YOU took it! You’re always the first one in the bathroom and it’s always gone when I open my drawer.
B: Maybe it fell behind the sink. That’s possible.
C: He’s (She’s) right. I lost my ring a month ago and when I looked behind the sink the other day, there it was.
D: The comb is too big to fall behind the sink, stupid.
E: Who are YOU calling stupid? If you wanna see stupid, go look in a mirror!
A: My comb did not fall behind the sink. It’s somewhere in this house and YOU (talking to B) know where it is, so tell me!
B: Why do I always get blamed for everything? Just because I like to get up early and be the first in the bathroom.
C: I don’t need to get up early. I’m just naturally beautiful when I wake up.
D: (to C) You’re not beautiful, you’re just extremely nearsighted.
E: Talking about nearsighted- isn’t that your comb sitting in there on the sink?
A: Oh. Yeah. I guess it is. Sorry. I forgot to look there.
-Facial and verbal expression
-Gestures and body movements
-Projection
-Look at one another while speaking/ “cheating out”
THE PARTY 4th GRADE
A: Are you going to Chuck’s party?
B: I didn’t know Chuck was having a party.
C: I’m going. I just bought him a present.
D: Oh. Were we supposed to bring presents?
E: He’s not getting a present from me!
A: You don’t HAVE to buy a present. But you should.
B: No one told me about a party at Chuck’s.
C: Well, my present will be the BEST one!
D: I guess I’ll have to go buy him a present.
E: I’m not sure I know Chuck.
A: I can’t decide what to wear.
B: You think Chuck would have invited ME, his best friend!
C: I’m going to wear something casual.
D: I’m not getting dressed up just for Chuck’s party.
E: How would I know what to wear if I don’t even know Chuck?
A: Wear whatever you want. Chuck won’t care.
B: Obviously he doesn’t care what I wear! He didn’t even invite me.
C: This is going to be a great party.
D: It doesn’t have to be an EXPENSIVE present, right?
E: Tell Chuck his gift from me got lost in the mail.
AUDITION HINTS:
-Speak LOUDLY!
-Sing LOUDLY (but on key!)
-Use lots of facial expression and gestures
TOO LITTLE/ TOO LATE 4th GRADE
A: Are we late?
B: Late for what?
C: I thought we didn’t have to be there for another hour.
D: No. I don’t think we’re late.
E: I hate being late.
A: My watch is off. Is it 3 or 4?
B: If we’re already late, what does it matter?
C: I’m pretty sure it’s 3.
D: I’m telling you, we don’t need to be there ‘til 4.
E: But we should leave early any way.
A: What happens if we missed it?
B: Missed what?
C: I think we have to come back if we miss it.
D: Stop worrying. We’re note late!
E: I REALLY hate being late to anything.
A: Are you sure it’s only 3?
B: Who cares if we’re late?
C: I think we’re just a LITTLE late.
D: We’re NOT late! And if we are- they’ll wait!
E: I hate making people wait. We should leave now.
AUDITION HINTS:
Speak loudly. Use lots of facial and body expression.
Sing loudly, but make sure to sing on key.
FOURTH GRADE AUDITION SCRIPT:
WHO’S ON FIRST?
A: (nervous) Who’s going first?
B: Not me!
C: (to A) You said YOU would go first!
D: (bravely) I will go first.
E: Don’t be ridiculous! You can’t go first. You’re the LAST one who should go first.
A: I really don’t care as long as I’m not the one who goes first.
B: (to A) But you REALLY should be the one to go first. It was your idea.
(A denies that)
C: That’s what I said. (To A) YOU started this whole thing!
D: Forget it! It doesn’t matter whose idea it was. I’LL go first!
E: You are not going first! That would ruin everything.
A: Okay, Okay. (Not eager) I’ll go first.
B: Good. Then it’s settled.
C: Fine. Whatever. Let’s just get going.
D: I really think it would be better if I went first.
E: You ALWAYS want to go first. And it’s a bad idea.
A: Look- I’M going first! All right?! (everyone agrees)
B: Then who’s going second?
C: Not me.
D: (bravely) I will go second.
E: No way! (Stubborn) If you’re going second, then I’m not going.
(Everyone is annoyed)
THE GREAT OUTDOORS
A: Don’t you love the smell of freshly mowed grass?
B: (sneezes) I’m allergic to grass.
C: I’m allergic to bee stings. (Nervous) Are there any bees around here?
D: Yeah, right. The bees are gonna come looking for you specifically because they know you’re allergic.
E: I know a guy who was bitten by a bee once and he got that “West Nile Virus” thing.
A: You get that from mosquitoes.
B: I think he’s (she’s) right. It’s from mosquitoes.
C: (nervous) Are there any mosquitoes around here?
D: (teasing) I think I see one on your back. ( C goes nuts)
E: I know a guy who was bitten by a mosquito once and he got rabies.
A: Rabies? You get that from dogs or sometimes raccoons.
B: I had a pet raccoon once.
C: Are there any racoons around here?
D: No. But there’a rabid squirrel on that tree next to you.
( C reacts, then gives D a dirty look)
E: I think it’s starting to rain.
A: Let’s go inside. I’ll make a pitcher of iced tea.
B: I’m allergic to tea.
C: Do you have any dogs or cats? I’m allergic to pet dander.
D: Is there anything you’re NOT allergic to?
E: I know a guy once who was so allergic to cats, he got huge boils all over his body. They had to put him to sleep.
C: (panicked) The guy?
D: No. The cat
-Facial and verbal expression
-Gestures and body movements
-Projection
-Look at one another while speaking/ “cheating out”
DID YOU SEE THAT? FIFTH GRADE
A: (excited) Did you see it?!
B: WOW! It was amazing!
C: I didn’t see it! Where did you see it?
D: I think everyone should see that ONCE in their lifetime.
E: I can’t believe I missed it.
A: Too bad. It was unbelievable.
B: I feel so lucky I was actually THERE to see it.
C: What was it like?
D: It was like...it was like...it was just indescribable.
E: Oh, darn. And I didn’t see it.
A: I don’t think anyone will ever see anything like it again.
B: I know I won’t.
C: Did anyone have a camera?
D: I don’t think you could really capture this on film.
E: He’s (she’s) right. You had to be there. A photo wouldn’t be the same.
A: And there weren’t many people there.
B: I feel priviledged that I was there to see it.
C: Gosh, I’m so depressed that I didn’t get to see it.
D: Too bad. You really shoulda seen it.
E: I guess I’ll never know no what it looked like.
A: Well, at least you have us to tell you about it.
B: Yeah. It was incredible.
C: Thank you guys for telling us what it was like.
D: No problem. But you really shoulda been there.
E: Yeah. Just hearing about it’s not the same as actually SEEING it.
A: True.
B: Yeah, it was really cool.
AUDITION HINTS:
-Speak LOUDLY!
-Sing LOUDLY (but on key!)
-Use lots of facial expression and gestures
GENDER BENDER 8th grade and older
A: I got Misses Clark for Biology. Who’d you get?
B: I thought the biology teacher was a MISTER Clark.
C: No. She’s a woman. I got her, too.
D: I saw Mister Clark at orientation. He was definitely NOT a woman.
E: Just because her hair is short and she wears slacks doesn’t make her a man!
A: I’m pretty sure she’s a woman. Although she does have a rather low voice- for a woman.
B: Does she have...you know...breasts?
C: What would that prove? Janey marks is flat as a pancake, whereas half the football team looks like they have “breasts”.
D: Mister Clark was not wearing any make-up and did NOT have breasts. I’m sure he’s a man.
E: (to A) Did she SAY “My name is MISSES Clark”?
A: She said, “Call me by my first name- Marty”.
B: See! MARTIN Clark.
C: Or Martha. Marty can be a nickname for Martha.
D: We could just ask “Marty” what Marty is short for.
E: That would be better than saying, “Are you a man or a woman?”
A: I’m not gonna ask her that! Misses Clark’s a woman.
B: Asking could be embarrassing.
C: What difference does it make anyway?
D: How do you introduct her to your parents? Mom, Dad, this is Misses and/or Mister Clark.
E: Fortunately I got Misses Lewis for Biology. She wears earrings and has long hair.
A: So does Mister Carter, the boys gym teacher.
-Facial and verbal expression
-Gestures and body movements
-Projection
-Look at one another while speaking/ “cheating out”
ROLLER COASTER 4th GRADE
A - is a roller coaster attendant
B & C - have just gotten off the roller coaster
D & E - are next in line to get on the roller coaster
A: Welcome to the Spill Your Guts roller coaster ride! The next group may take your seats!
B: (dizzy) I think I’m going to be sick! Why did I let you talk me into getting on that ride?
C: Don’t blame me. It was your idea.
D: I’m not sure I want to do this. Can’t we just ride the carousel again?
E: Don’t be such a coward! It won’t be that bad.
A: (to D & E) Are you folks gonna get on or not?
B: (throws up) Somebody call a doctor.
C: Don’t be such a baby. Nothing’s wrong with you.
D: (Looking at feet) Agh! I stepped in it!! I think I’m gonna be sick!
E: We haven’t even gotten on yet. I should have invited my cousin instead.
A: Hey! You’re holding up the line!
B: Go on without me. Just leave me here.
C: YOU wanted to go on the roller coaster. Now you want me to leave you here?
D: Why did I ever agree to do this?!
E: You’re being ridiculous. Come on, let’s get on.
A: Would you make up your minds already?! Are you getting on or not?
B: I’m going to throw up again.
C: I know- let’s go ride the tilt-a-whirl!
D: [to C] The tilt-a-whirl!! Are you nuts?
E: [to C] I’ve got an idea- let’s leave THEM behind and you and I ride the tilt-a-whirl.
C: Great idea! Let’s go.
B: But what about me?
D: Come with me- we’ll buy cotton candy instead.
A: I don’t care where you go, just don’t come back here!
E: Don’t worry, we won’t. We’re riding the Egg Beater next!
B & D: (groan, nauseated at the thought)
AUDITION HINTS:
Speak loudly. Use lots of facial and body expression.
Sing loudly, but make sure to sing on key.
BEAUTY IS IN THE EYE OF THE BEHOLDER
A: Guess what? I lost TEN pounds.
B: What did you do, cut off your foot?
C: I think you look MUCH thinner.
D: You DO look a little thinner...in the face.
E: Are those your mother’s jeans you’re wearing?
A: I know I need to lose another thirty pounds, but ten is a good start.
B: So you plan to cut off three other feet?
C: You don’t need to lose any more weight, you look perfect.
D: Right. What’s wrong with wearing a size 15?
E: Size 15 is a great size. If you’re seven feet tall.
A: I’ll have you know I’m down to a size 7.
B: I heard sizes are getting bigger these days.
C: Those jeans look great on you. I’m going to buy some just like them.
D: It’s amazing what you can cover up with the right pair of jeans.
E: Too bad they don’t go up a little higher. Some people really shouldn’t wear thongs.
A: All I need is to stay on my diet for another six weeks and I’ll reach my goal.
B: If your goal is to reach puberty.
C: Well, if you think you need to lose a few more pounds, then I’m sure you’ll be able to do it.
D: Right. Look what you’ve accomplished so far?
E: I think we should all go on a fast food diet. That way if we gain weight, you’ll look thinner by comparison.
A: Just wait til you see me in my prom outfit.
B: I heard the airport is missing a parachute.
C: You always look stunning, no matter what you wear.
D: They say beauty is in the eye of the beholder.
E: If this beauty gets any bigger, we’ll ALL beholding her.
THE UPWARDLY MOBILES 7th GRADE
A: [enters] Darling, have you seen the keys to the Hummer?
B: I believe the maid took the Hummer out to buy more champagne for breakfast.
C: Are we having champagne AGAIN for breakfast? I hope she remembered to purchase llama milk for my cereal.
D: I heard there’s a shortage of llama milk this week. We may have to make do with yak milk.
E: I do hope they aren’t out of truffles again. I really can’t FACE my pheasant eggs without truffles.
F: [enters] I’m back with the champagne. They were out of truffles.
A: You really should have taken the Porsche not the Hummer, to do these little errands. You KNOW we’re trying to cut back on gas.
B: Yes, everyone must do their part to conserve energy. I told the butler yesterday to remember to turn the light out in the heated pool house.
C: Is it llama or yak today?
D: It’s yak. And no truffles either.
E: Someone needs to do something about the world economy. Next thing you know we’ll be forced to eat CHICKEN eggs and COW’s milk!
F: Speaking of economy problems, could I get a raise? My son needs new shoestrings for his sneakers.
A: A RAISE?!! Haven’t you been listening? We’re trying to cut back on expenses!
B: Just last week I had to fire one of the pool boys. Now we only have three guys to take care of that gigantic pool.
C: It’s a shame none of us ever learned to swim.
D: At least we know it’s there in case we decide to LEARN to swim.
E: I agree- we SHOULD be prepared for emergencies. I’m thinking of buying an extra pair of Manolo Blahnik sandals in case I decide to walk down to the pool house.
F: Can I have your old pair for my son? He’s outgrown his sneakers…and they don’t have shoestrings anymore.
A: You really MUST pay attention- we can’t afford to GIVE things away.
B: Charity begins at home. And you’re from some other country. Aren’t you?
C: We could all go OUT for breakfast. That would save money on gas: the maid wouldn’t have to shop for food.
D: Great idea! I think they serve llama milk AND truffles over at the Ritz.
E: Perfect! I’ll drive the Porsche. You take the Hummer. You get the Bentley and you each take one of the BMWs.
A: [to B] The two of us could ride together. In order to save gas.
B: We don’t need to go overboard. I’ll just ride in the helicopter.
F: But what about all this food? Hmmm… wonder what yak milk tastes like. [tastes it] YUCK! Now I see where they got the name.
THE TREKKIES
A is Dad, B is Mom
A: Captain! The transporter is activated and ready to transport the crew to the surface.
B: Thank you, Number One. We will be in the transporter at 0 Nine hundred.
C: But Captain, our phasers won’t work on the surface. How will we deal with intruders?
D: I could use a Vulcan deathgrip to neutralize any hostiles.
E: Or I could use my superior robotic strength to hold them back.
F: Guys, we’re just going to the mall. The only “hostiles” are going to be the people who complain that we parked the minivan in a handicapped spot.
A: But Captain, what if the transporter malfunctions and we land in an alternate universe.
B: Don’t worry, Number One. We can always time travel back to five minutes BEFORE we transported.
C: But wouldn’t that change the timeline?
D: Changing the timeline violates the Prime Directive!
E: We could be prosecuted by the Q continuum… again.
F: The only thing we have to worry about is a traffic ticket. “Number One” is a lousy driver.
A: I’ll have you know I piloted every starship since Enterprise ONE and NEVER ran into a space dock.
B: Well, there was that incident on Omara Two.
C: You can’t count that! His mind was taken over by nanoprobes!
D: It’s a good thing the doctor was able to genetically manipulate those nanoinvaders.
E: But how do we know for SURE that Number One is not a brilliantly disguised alien?
F: I’m pretty sure Mom’s our mother and Dad’s our dad. Although sometimes I wouldn’t mind being an orphan.
A: Orphaned on a strange planet!
B: Brought up by the Chrystalline entity!
C: With telepathic powers!
D: And no knowledge of his human origins!
E: Surviving only on photonic energy!
F: Actually, I was thinking more of a Big Mac with fries.
A: Sounds good! Let’s go [All begin to exit]
B: I want a milkshake, too.
C: I call shotgun!
D: You got to ride in the front last time!
E: As long as I don’t have to sit between you two creeps.
F: Ah, family outings. Gotta love ‘em. Wait up, Captain, you forgot the keys to the runabout!!
-Facial and verbal expression -Gestures and body movements
-Projection
-Look at one another while speaking/ “cheating out”
THE HYPOCHONDRIACS
A: Have you seen my inhaler? I think I feel an asthma attack coming on.
B: I think it’s sitting over by my blood pressure machine. Or maybe by my glucose test kit.
C: I thought I saw it sitting with the vitamins.
D: Which vitamins? The morning vitamins or the evening vitamins?
E: I already took the morning vitamins and it wasn’t there.
F: I think I have a cold. [Sneezes. Everyone looks terrified]
A: Are you contagious?
B: It might be SARS! I heard there was a case recently in our area.
C: No, that case was in Canada. But it might be Rocky Mountain Spotted Fever.
D: She’s (he’s) right. Sneezing is the first symptom.
E: And then you lose consciousness and break out in spots all over.
F: Oh, no! I had a spot on my forehead this morning!
A: A spot!! [ they all move away from him/her]
B: I heard there have been some new cases of SMALL POX?
C: He’s (she’s) right. I heard that, too.
D: I thought they had eliminated Small Pox?
E: Do you think he (she) has small pox!
F: [terrified] I’m going to die!!
A: We should call the CDC.
B: The Center for Disease Control?
C: I agree, they should be informed at once.
D: We’ll all have to be quarantined.
E: That means eventually we’ll all die. The whole family wiped out.
F: I can’t stand it! Kill me now!
A: Oh look- there’s my inhaler. [They are all relieved she (he) found the inhaler]
B: We should go- we’re late for our doctor appointments. [They all exit]
THE NERDS
Actor B should be Male
B, C, D, E are on stage, reading, working on computer, or playing hand held computer games
A: [enters carrying cell phone] You won’t believe this! I was just able to calculate the circumference of an imaginary number!
B: Really? What computer program did you use?
C: I hope you didn’t use MY computer- I’ve been having trouble with it recently.
D: I TOLD you not to try and hack into the NASA computers.
E: She’s (he’s) right. They have a really excellent firewall.
A: I didn’t use a computer. I used my calculator and my cell phone.
B: Sweet! By the way, have you seen my new girlfriend, Angelina?
C: Yeah, I saw her on your website. She needs bigger boobs. That’s the great thing about virtual girlfriends- you can make ‘em look however you want.
D: Yeah, you should give her a better figure and maybe red hair.
E: No, I like the purple hair. Hey, maybe we could make her a character in our next Dungeons and Dragons game!
A: Does anyone mind if I put on the new Neil Diamond CD?
B: Cool! I was at his last concert. I went with my parents. It was great.
C: Are any of you entering the robot building contest this year?
D: I’m thinking about it, but I have to make sure the dates don’t conflict with the computer gaming convention.
E: I can’t do it this year. I’m concentrating on debate team. We’re debating the topic of fusion versus fission.
A: Great topic! We should all discuss it at the next science club meeting.
B: When is that? This Tuesday or next Tuesday?
C: I’ll check my palm pilot. [checks] That’s next Tuesday.
D: Right. And there’s a guest speaker- Professor Brainiack. He’s going to talk about black holes.
E: Oh, we can’t miss that! But we really need to go or we’ll be late for chess club. [They all exit]
THE COUCH POTATOES
[Seated On stage, facing forward, watching TV: A,B,D,E]
A: Could you hand me the chocolate cupcakes?
B: They’re all gone. How about a jelly donut?
C: [enters] What’s everyone watching on TV?
D: Who knows? All these reality shows are pretty much the same.
E: I like the one where if you don’t make it across the water, you’re out.
A: There are six shows like that. But they’re all good.
B: Anyone want a brownie?
C: Ooo- did you make those?
D: Make them HIMSELF (herself)?! Are you kidding?
E: They were delivered with the pizza.
A: There’s pizza? What kind?
B: It’s called the “Everything you can think of” pizza.
C: We need a new recliner. This one’s broken.
D: Just move the pizza boxes and put your feet on the coffee table.
E: Do we have anything to drink?
A: The sodas are in the fridge.
B: We should move the fridge closer to the couch.
C: Or we could move the TV and the couch into the kitchen.
D: Good idea. But that would mean we’d all have to get up . . . At the same time. [everyone groans] But it would be worth it. [they all grudgingly agree]
E: Okay, you two grab the couch. I’ll take the TV and you drag the recliner.
[All get up and move everything off stage]
IT’S AN HONOR
A: Hey, everybody! I got into Honors English for next year.
B: Big deal. I’ve been in honors English for three years.
C: I’ve heard the honors English teacher is real mean.
D: She’s not mean, she’s just “challenging”.
E: I heard she challenged someone with a metal ruler last year.
F: I don’t want to be in honors English- too much homework.
A: Is there a lot of homework in honors English?
B: Yes, but you get used to it after a few years. I know I did.
C: I heard the honors English teacher flunked half the class last year.
D: They probably deserved it. You should only take an honors class if you’re willing to work night and day to do all the work.
E: My friend Gary said he got an “F” on his final because he misspelled the teacher’s name at the top of the page.
F: Oo- that IS mean. I’m glad I’m not in honors English.
A: She has a really long name. I’m not sure I can even pronounce it, let alone spell it.
B: You could write it on your hand. That’s what I do. Look- I’ve got all my teacher’s names on this hand. I have math formulas on the other.
C: I’ve heard three kids in her class got sent to the principal for swatting a fly during class.
D: If you’re really concentrating you shouldn’t notice anything so unimportant as a fly on your papers.
E: My friend Gary said she hates all boys because her husband divorced her last year.
F: Yeah, I wouldn’t take that class (if I were a guy) (cause I’m a guy and she hates guys) [you can adapt this line to male or female]
A: I’m beginning to think maybe I don’t want to be in this class.
B: A person should only take honors classes if they’re willing to work really hard. I know that’s true, because I take all honors classes.
C: I heard that if you fail her class they’ll never let you in another honors class again. Ever.
D: That’s only fair. Only the BEST students should take honors classes.
E: My friend Gary dropped out of school at the end of the term. I think it was because he failed honors English.
F: I’m not in any honors classes. But I’m not worried- my mom’s a professor at Harvard.
A: My mom works in the cafeteria. I guess I better try and stay in the honors English class.
B: Don’t worry. I’ll tutor you. I made all A’s last year.
C: I heard nobody in her honors English class got an A last term.
D: Maybe they didn’t really TRY to get an A.
E: My friend Gary was a straight A student before he took that honors English class. Now he works in the Dunkin Donuts.
F: I was thinking of signing up for honors math.
C: I don’t know…I heard the honors math teacher was even MEANER than the honors English teacher. (all groan)
-Facial and verbal expression
-Gestures and body movements
-Projection
-Look at one another while speaking/ “cheating out”